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“Don’t be a tattle-tale”

Right?

We tend to see tattle-tales as trying to get others in trouble, but in reality that is a practice for speaking up.

There is a fine line between tattle-tailing and speaking up and it's often not as clear as the horizon on a sunny beach day.

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How do we know the difference?

Let me explain.

Remember when your brother would go over to your parents to tell them you hadn’t cleaned up your room. Well, this is exactly what I mean by tattle tailing.

But there were other moments like when you were out in the park and tried the monkey bars but fell off. Your sister ran over to your mom to get help.

See the difference?

Your brother was a tattle-tale for getting you in trouble for not cleaning up your room? While your sister saw you were in danger and seek help.

The main difference between tattle-tailing and speaking up is the intentions with which you are saying things. Trying to get someone in trouble vs being honest about what's happening to bring justice or safety.

But when it comes to speaking up, there’s a combo of feelings, situations, and skills that either drives us or not, to speak up. Sometimes there’s a fear of what might happen to the people involved if we do speak up. Other times it might be a lack of courage to use our voice. But in some cases, it's only a matter of not knowing who to go to.

It's often hard to speak up.

Speaking up requires courage. Courage to say things that are hard, sad, or difficult.

Speaking up is an important form of honesty.

When we don’t speak up, we are a form of bystanders. We are silently saying we approve, we are ok with that one thing, or that we agree.

The challenge is we don’t always have the freedom to speak. Some might be restrained by someone else, while others might be restrained by their own fear to speak up.

When kids have the freedom to speak up, they have the power to change.

Here are three reasons when to speak up, even when you think you shouldn’t

1. When someone is in danger. Knowing someone might get hurt or be in danger is a top reason to speak up. We need to know that our silence or lack of courage might determine their outcome. Of course, this is a tough one, because what if you are also in danger? There is always a way out, look for the emergency exit!
2. When the greater good is not the priority. Many stay silent because they don’t want to get others in trouble, but in reality, we are each responsible for our actions. When we stay silent, we might be hurting the people we hope to help.
3. When you think that you are the only one with that problem. You may not be alone in your thinking. When we speak up we discover there are others who think similarly as we do and we can encourage them to voice their opinions.

Kids need to feel safe to speak up about anything. From a discussion they had with their friends, to someone being hurt in school by other kids, to a person they see yelling at others, or even about how worried they feel about the science test coming up.

When I talk about this topic with my kids I teach them about code words. They know that if they hear the words “Don’t tell your parents…” it's a code word for “GO TELL YOUR PARENTS”. I teach them this is a red flag and they need to come over and tell us.

The tricky part is that it might not always be clear to our kids when they need to speak up. There might be times when they think things look ok, but deep down there is a blurry message hard for them to see.

This is why we need to build nurturing relationships where our kids feel safe to come to us when they see, feel, or think something might be wrong. When we create the conditions of safety, honesty, and guidance, we are fostering a relationship where they can be themselves and share.

How do we raise courageous speakers?

1. Lead by example. Show your kids what courage looks like. If you want them to be brave, be brave yourself. It can be as simple as being brave to admit wrongdoing or having a tough conversation with them.
2. Encourage them to reach out to you, to seek you when they need to speak, or to go to you when they feel itchy about something.
3. Point out real-life role models. Read books and tell stories about people who have spoken up. We enjoy the book by Eva Chen “A is for Awesome” where she highlights courageous women throughout history.
4. Give your child permission to “mess up” We often focus on the small silly things they do, such as spilling a glass of water or breaking a plate. But in reality, how we manage these situations turns into a message for them for when the BIG messy things happen.
5. Encourage your kids to try new things. Let them explore and feel challenged. Enroll them in new activities.
6. When they do speak up, say “Thank You”. Feeling appreciated for having the courage to speak up will affirm them and encourage them for the next time they are in a position that might be harder to speak up.
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We need to teach our kids the difference between tattle tailing and speaking up. Guide them when they don’t know what’s the best decision to make. Raise them to have the courage to speak up and not give into fear.

This is all for this week.

Have courage, speak up.

Cheers,

Alexandra

from MindSwitch Education

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P.S. Other resources I recommend: “Raising Worry-Free Girls” by Sissy Hoff and “How God Grows a Courageous Girl” a daily devotional to read with your kids.

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